CATS IN THE BIBLE
Here's Chapter 46 from "The Gospel Of Elvis". It's an 81-page book written by me, Bob Laughlin, that retells the New Testament, with Elvis as Jesus. It looks just like a Bible. You can buy, or Search Inside the Book on Amazon. Portions of it are also viewable on Google Book Search and @ iuniverse.com. Or visit me @ myspace.com under Elvis Bible. This chapter is titled . . .
THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER
The next morning, Elvis went down to the casino in Caesar's Palace, and the multitudes who dealt and gambled were sore afraid that he was gonna turn the dump over again.
2 But he spake unto them instead, again by a parable, saying, A certain man had two girl putee cats.
3 And the younger of them, named Rebecca but called Sissie, short for Sistercat, had not yet been fixed, and was going off all the time, wasting her youth with riotous living.
4 Onct, when she hadn't been home in days, the man went looking for her, worried sick, and found her in Old Man Reb's backyard, with a passel of tomcats patiently waiting on her, sitting around her in a half-circle,
5 You new around the pool hall? the man saith to one tomcat he didn't recognize.
6 Sissie didn't come home that night either for she was just as affectionate with people, letting everyone in the neighborhood pet her,
7 And she was fond of wandering into neighborhood houses for some chow and a snooze, especially a house across the street from the man's, shared by some college girls.
8 Now, the man's elder daughter, named Gwendolyn but called Punky, was exactly the opposite: she loved to stay at home and never let anybody but her daddy hold her; she was as neurotic about her love for him as she was about everything else.
9 As the dominant member of the pride, Punky insisted upon eating first and oft times, when Sissie had found a comfortable spot in her Daddy's house, kneaded some dough and commenced to snoozin', she'd be rudely awakened by the jealous Punky snarling, Okay, outa the pool.
10 And it came to pass that Sissie was out on another one of her sprees, visiting her boyfriends, trying to catch some birdies, and then climbing the stairs to her college girlfriends' house, looking forward to some chow, pettin' and girl talk,
11 They weren't home, and Sissie grew desperate, fearing she would perish from hunger; she would fain have filled her belly with husks that swine did eat, or even dry cat food.
12 So she arose, and went toward her daddy's house, and as she crossed the street he saw her and ran, catching her in his arms, kissing her and spouting embarassing baby talk that his Sweety Pie had come home at last.
13 Then the father saith to his servants, Bring forth the best new collar, and put it on her, and put booties on her sooties:
14 And bring hither the fatted mouse, and let us eat, and be merry:
15 Now his elder daughter was in the backyard: and as she drew nigh unto the house, she heard musick and dancing.
16 Punky knew well that the musick came from The Compleat Works Of Ross Bagdasarian, a favorite of putees, but she had to ask one of the servants the reason for the shindig.
17 And he saith unto her, Thy sister is come; and thy father has called for the fatted mouse, and to rejoice.
18 And Punky was angry, and would not go in: therefore, came her father out, and entreated her.
19 And she answering saith, Daddy, lo these many years do I serve thee faithfully, letting only thee pet me,
20 (And you know I'm only kidding when I demand to be petted by saying, Read that damn newspaper on your own time),
21 'Tis true, thou let me have a kid, but after poor Freddy got hit by the car, I thought it was gonna be just you and me, for eternity.
22 But then along came little Miss Princess, who hath devoured her life like a slut, and yet thou hast called for her the fatted mouse.
23 And the man saith unto her, Daughter, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine.
24 But it is meet that we should make merry: for this thy sister was dead, and is alive again; she once was lost, and now is found.
A few words of explanation. Sooties are feet - Elvis and his mother used baby talk with each other throughout their lives. Also, in The Gospel Of Elvis (TGOE) "chow" reads as "burgers" because there's another passage (32:9-11) wherein Elvis declares "all food is burger". Finally, although I think the Bible makes it clear the fatted calf is going to be killed and eaten to rejoice in The Prodigal Son's return, I tried to avoid such inferences above - maybe, just maybe, the fatted mouse is going to entertain at the party, perhaps with some stand-up or a medley of Gershwin tunes. Chapter 74 in TGOE is titled FOR EVERY THING THAT LIVES IS HOLY, in that case, referring to ants. I'm a hypocrite; I'm not a vegetarian but wish I could be one.
Cats are not mentioned in the real Bible, possibly because the ancient Hebrews wanted to distance themselves from the Egyptians, who of course, correctly, worshipped putees. But they're mentioned two or three other times in TGOE. 18:9 begins a parody of Jesus's calming of the Sea (of Galilee?) . . .
8 And sho' 'nuff a few days later they were entered into a ship, and the Skipper and Gilligan had grabbed the last of the hammocks.
9 Elvis saith, Putee cats have your chest, and birds have a nest, but the Son of Vernon has no place to take his rest.
30:2 reads . . . and when the weary Elvis saw much people he was moved with compassion toward them, because they were as kittens not having a kittenherder . . . The third reference? I can't remember. Maybe you can find it.
Best,
Bob Laughlin
Author of "The Gospel Of Elvis"
drella15@hotmail.com
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