DID JESUS BLESS HOMOSEXUALITY?
Before I get to that, let me pose another Biblical question: How do we know that Jesus wasn’t crucified in Brooklyn?
Because somebody woulda said, “I don’t care who you are, you’re not draggin’ that cross on my lawn.”
There’s lots of one-liners in “The Gospel Of Elvis”, an 81-page book written by me, Bob Laughlin. It’s the New Testament retold, with Elvis as Jesus. It looks just like a Bible so the above comes from Page 77, Chapter 83, Verses 13-15. You can buy, or Search Inside the Book on Amazon. Portions can also be viewed on Google Book Search and at iUniverse.com. Or you can visit me at myspace.com under the profile Elvis Bible.
We all know that Jesus sat at meat with publicans. Would he or Elvis have sat at meat with Republicans?
But enough of the zingers. Though a parody, “The Gospel Of Elvis” (TGOE) also tackles serious subjects such as gun control, abortion, school prayer, political correctness, love and mammon. And there’s the question: did Jesus bless homosexuality?
What follows is something I sent the GLBT community, explaining one of the more titillating topics of my parvum opus. It was written before the death of Jerry Falwell, news I processed, I swear, with a hint of sadness.
HOMOSEXUALITY AND THE GOSPELS OF MATTHEW AND ELVIS
A GLBT advocate is on tv debating a tv preacher. Let's call the latter Larry Willfall. The fat-faced preacher smugly cites The Bible as irrefutable proof that God considers homosexuality an abomination. The GLBT advocate has no reply or tries to change the subject. Hell, I saw it happen for the 100th or so time a few months ago on Anderson Cooper. A well-meaning minister from the gay-friendly Cathedral Of Hope had no answer for some no-name ignoramus preacher.
That's partly why I touched upon this serious subject in TGOE. Relevant passages in TGOE can be found on Pgs. 20-21, (26:1-17). And Pgs. 51-52, 57:12-26.
The GLBT advocate could reply that "The Bible" referred to by Jerry Falwell is actually the Hebrew Old Testament. And the mean-spirited OT and New Testament were written by men. (I believe I've read some Biblical commentary that at least one and possibly a few women were involved; sorry ladies, those were the times). Scholars agree it's an absolutely countless number of people, but surely hundreds and hundreds of authors and transcriptionists, the latter sometimes changing things either by error or design. Approximately 1,000 years passed from when the first words of the OT were actually written down to when the last of the NT were. Like the Talmud, the OT reflects the sometimes-changing mores of Hebrew society, and those of the 100s and 100s of authors and transcriptionists. The OT is like a book of community ordinances. Indeed, the word "ordinances" is all through Leviticus, such as 18:4 where it's written that God said to Moses, "Ye shall do my judgments, and keep mine ordinances." Quotes are taken from the best version of the Bible, King James, of course.
It's true it's written in Leviticus 18:22 that God allegedly said to Moses, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." This ordinance is repeated at least a few other times throughout the Torah, which is Hebrew for the first five books of the OT. In the fifth book of the OT, called Deuteronomy, comes this stunning new community ordinance. Deu 22:5 reads, "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God."
TGOE 57:22 reads...(Like when [the fundamentalist Christian movement] first starteth usin' the Old Testament to hammer out their hatred for homosexuals, the standard riposte was that if you take all those ever-changin' Hebrew laws and mores literally, then any woman who wears a pantsuit is an abomination unto the Lord)...Note: it's now a decade after I wrote TGOE and I think "sometimes-changing" is more appropriate than "ever-changing". It would have also been better to use "ordinances" than "laws". But I was determined back then not to agonize over every word. The key is: the ordinances do change.
Does Deu. 22:5 mean that Mary Tyler Moore and all the women who began wearing slacks in the 50s are abomination unto the Lord? How about cowgirls who've been wearing jeans for over a century? Is Annie Oakley going to Hell? How about Jimi Hendrix and all the other rockers who've worn feathered-boa scarves? Shouldn't we all be going to Hell because we don't wear the robes and Jesus-sandals that were standard-issue B.C.? That last is only partly farcical; the ordinances are copious and exacting. If you ever want to read endlessly about how to keep precisely Kosher, go to the Torah.
What does the New Testament say about dress codes? Nothing that I recall. What does the NT say about homosexuality? Nothing literally, although I believe I've found an interesting interpretation. Sorry, before I get to it, please let me offer some prefatory comments. The first is a warning of sorts. The parable that Jesus makes in Matthew is unfortunately something of a minefield in that it revolves around eunuchs. Yes, eunuchs, those unfortunate males who were castrated for various reasons. I don't know when the practice began but I think the Romans sometimes did it merely for their own amusement. An intelligent man like Anderson Cooper wouldn't react like a 7th-grade-boy to The Parable Of The Eunuchs, or that the interpretation comes from TGOE, a work of parody. But it'd be a hurdle with second or third-rate minds like the blowhard O'Reilly or Hannigan. The second prefatory comment is for women of the GLBT community. Near the end of TGOE's interpretation of The Parable Of The Eunuchs is a couplet referring only to gay men. Nothing personal, I was just following the masculine-centered writing style of the Bible, yea, of most writing until about 1985.
My third prefatory comment is that another tv preacher appears in Chapter 26 of TGOE named Rob Psychogrin. Start by reversing the initials and you have P Rob. Can you guess who that nutcase is? Some additional comments include that in TGOE, Jesus and Elvis are contemporaries but liberty is taken with the concept of time, thus a reference to Catholic priests. Chapter 26 of TGOE begins with a reference to those chilling tv commercials which showed gay teenagers being driven to suicide while tv preachers spewed out their anti-gay venom in the background. My last comment is that I'm going to let Elvis pick it up shortly, but the TGOE's 26:8 is taken almost word for word from Matthew 19:11-12, with only a word or two edited for clarity.
Matt. 19 starts with the Pharisees trying to "tempt" (i.e., entrap) Jesus with questions about divorce (19:3&7). The OT Torah is chock full of endless, repetitive, sometimes-changing ordinances about marriage and divorce. To the Pharisees, Jesus contradicts the authors of Moses's "words" and then offers his own ordinance on divorce. He's so rigid that his disciples essentially say it's probably best not to marry at all. And now I'll let TGOE pick it up, from 26:8. Elvis says...
8 And Jesus replies, All men cannot receive this saying, for there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake.
9 So what do eunuchs hafta do with fags? asketh Rob Psychogrin, except that all fags should be castrated?
10 Ignoring that example of Christian compassion, Elvis asketh, Art thou gonna deny that Jesus often speaks in parables?
11 And when none could deny it Elvis continueth, Now all the verses leading up to The Parable Of The Eunuchs deal with divorce, with rules that must be followed by men who know women, in the Biblical sense,
12 What better symbol for a man who cannot know a woman than a eunuch? And can you think of different types of men who don't know women?
13 When Jesus speaks of those who've become eunuchs for heaven's sake, he's obviously referring to Catholic priests.
14 And as to eunuchs which were so born from their mother's womb, he's obviously referring to homosexuals since: 1). a foetus can't be castrated inside the womb, and 2). all scientific evidence points toward the fact that people don't become gay, they are born that way.
15 Jesus tells me and I believe it's true, Elvis summeth up, gay men are in the sunset, too.
16 Then he stared at Willfall and Psychogrin, and in his eyes they were shocked to recognize the same cold, pitiless look they'll get from their savior on Judgment Day.
17 And Elvis saith, Woe unto you, serpents and fools, hypocrites! for thy hearts are stained with the blood of the children ye killed, and ye can't escape the damnation of hell.
In light of the light recently cast upon Catholic priests, perhaps I should have worded Verse 13 to read, "he's obviously referring to the celibacy VOWS taken by Catholic priests.” And, indeed, there have been religious sects since Moses's time that vowed celibacy. Also in retrospect, I perhaps should have allowed that there are probably some rare cases where males are born without even undescended testicles.
But the points I was trying to make are:
1. Jesus often spoke in parables.
2. Is there a better symbol, however unfortunate, than a eunuch for a man who is incapable of sexual intercourse with a woman?
3. Jesus' words from Matt. 19:12 are essentially saying there are some men, "so born from their mother's womb" who are incapable of sexual intercourse with women. And by extension, some women the same.
He doesn't condemn them; he doesn't say they are abomination unto the LORD. He just says they cannot divorce. If they marry.
I'll admit: it's an interpretation. And there's language from Matthew 19:3-10 that an intelligent Biblical scholar could pounce upon to argue that Jesus was still only referring to male-female couples. But with the possible exception of Pat Robertson - I'll give him that - I haven't come across any tv preachers who could remotely be called Biblical scholars. And we live in a world of soundbites. Say something enough times and people on the street think it's true. The next time I see a GLBT-friendly person on tv debating an ignorant tv preacher, I'll understand if they don't use Matt. 19:11-12 to proclaim with certainty that Jesus blessed homosexuality. But I'll be disappointed if they don't argue that most of the Old Testament is just a record of sometimes-changing community ordinances. Please prepare thyself by combing the OT, especially the Torah, for examples of other ridiculous ordinances that, taken literally, "lead" to damnation. The Kosher material alone should supply plenty of point-winning soundbites.
Or maybe just quote the minor poet who said, "Love is so damn hard to find that how can anyone be anything but pleased for two people who've found it.
One final note: Matt 19 seems to exclude the transgender people of the GLBT community. All I can suggest is they, too, comb the Bible for their cause. Jesus probably says something about correcting nature's mistakes. Off the top of my head, and with absolutely no disrespect intended, perhaps "If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out" will do.
Jesus tells me and I believe it's true, the GLBT community is in the sunrise, too.
Best,
Bob Laughlin
Author of The Gospel Of Elvis
drella15@hotmail.com
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